These are just for fun.  Pick out the ones you like and ignore the rest.  I found some of them on the internet, others were sent to us by people just like you.  If you want to contribute, e-mail us at staff@activelearning.org

Half the people you know are below average.

In intend to live forever – so far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I don’t suffer stress.  I am a carrier.

Only in America

Only in America are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America can a pizza get you your house faster than an ambulance

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Ever Wonder…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Why is the alphabet in that order?   Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

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How To Know You're Getting Older

Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions. 

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Famous Last Words

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."  Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."  Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."  Ken Olsen, president & founder of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

"This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.  The device is inherently of no value to us."  Western Union internal memo 1876

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"  David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well formed, but in order to earn better than a "C" the idea must be feasible."  A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.  Smith went on to found Federal Express.

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."  Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind". 

"A cookie store is a bad idea.  Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."  Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."  Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895 .

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates 1981.

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You Might Be In Education If...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You want to slap the next person who says, Must be nice to work from 8:00 to 3:00 and have your summers free!"

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

You have no time for a life from August to June.

Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "why is this kid like this?"

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Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here."  What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Doing autopsies is a dying practice.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Copy from one, its plagiarism. Copy from two, it's research.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your own way.

Doing a thing wrong for a long period of time gives it the superficial appearance of being right.

Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake.

Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Everywhere children are schooled to become masters at answering questions and to remain novices at asking them.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Help wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.

How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise MY hand!

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

If you want my opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same.

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

If there's so much labor-saving machinery, why don't I have more free time?

If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered species?

Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?

Adam and Eve were the first people on earth...Did they have belly buttons?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what does that make a humanitarian?

If corn oil comes from corn...where does baby oil come from?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

I'm in shape.  Round is a shape isn't it?

I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this?  The dog?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I have all the money I’ll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

I just got lost in thought…it was unfamiliar territory.

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.

I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.

"Is ignorance or apathy the biggest problem in the world today?" "I don’t know and I don’t care."

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room-temperature.

It is not the people who tell all they know that cause most of the trouble in the world - it’s the ones who tell more.

It is not what they say about you, it’s what they whisper.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’ve gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.

My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I’m writing a book. So far I’ve got the page numbers done.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?"

"Of course I know how to copy a computer disk. Where is the Xerox machine?"

There are never enough hours in the day, but always too many days before Saturday.